Emotion-Focused Family Therapy
The Model
Rooted in a deep and unwavering belief in the healing power of families, the essence of EFFT is to afford caregivers a significant role in their loved one’s mental health and well-being. The therapist’s role would then be to empower and support caregivers in mastering the skills, tasks, and, yes, the feelings involved in four main domains:
A. Becoming their loved one’s behavior coach, that is, assisting their loved one – regardless of age – in the interruption of symptoms and maladaptive behaviors (anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, etc.) as well as in the transition from stressful life events (a divorce, diagnosis of a learning disability; placement into foster care, etc.);
B. Becoming their loved one’s emotion coach, that is supporting their loved one to approach, process and manage stress, emotions and emotional pain, making symptoms unnecessary to cope;
C. Facilitating therapeutic apologies in order to help loved ones to let go of the weight of old injuries, and
D. Working through and resolving the fears and obstacles that surface in the caregiver during this challenging and novel journey.
This last step is necessary when these fears and obstacles interfere with the parent or caregiver’s ability to be effective in their efforts. For example, some parents are afraid that engaging their child in the tasks of recovery and coping will lead the child to feel depressed or suicidal, leaving the parents paralyzed with fear & thus stuck in an impossible bind. There are many other emotion blocks that can surface throughout the family’s journey. For example, parents may sometimes feel resentful that their child continues to struggle and this resentment can influence their helping behaviors. Other parents may feel helpless and without skills and thus find themselves relying on controlling or punitive techniques to motivate behavior change.
Common Fears
Parents can feel immobilized in their efforts if for example they fear that engaging in the tasks of recovery will lead to their child feeling too much distress or cause too much disruption for other family members. These unspoken fears can lead families to become stuck in unhelpful caregiving patterns (walking on eggshells, feeling resentful, etc). The “usual suspects” include the fears that their child will: 1) run away; 2) become depressed or suicidal and 3) move in with the other custodial parent (in the case of split-families). Other emotions such as anger, resentment, hopelessness and helplessness can also interfere with caregiver efforts to promote recovery. Support and specific skills training are sometimes necessary to release parents and caregivers from the shackles that keep them from feeling hopeful and secure in their helping roles. EFFT can help parents to process and work through these “emotion blocks” in addition to providing skills training in order to help them to feel capable of handling the challenges ahead.
Who is this approach suited for?
Parents and caregivers can learn these skills and take on these roles regardless of their child’s level of motivation or involvement in formal treatment. EFFT is a lifespan approach that can be delivered with individuals only, parents and caregivers only, and with families.
In some cases, individuals are not able to have their parents or caregivers involved. It is possible to achieve many of the same goals with individuals using Emotion-Focused Therapy, although family involvement is the goal whenever possible.
Emotion Basics
Emotion basics are at the foundation of emotion coaching. Each of the basic emotions are important because they give us information on how to react to different situations. This information will help guide parents to recognize emotions in their children AND know what the child needs in order to move through their emotional experiences.
Every emotion has:
- A bodily felt sense
- A label that can be communicated in words
- A need
- An action tendency
Label Bodily Felt Sense Need Action Tendency
Fear Heart racing Safety & Protection run, hide, etc.
Sweaty palms
Slowed digestion
Sadness Heaviness Comfort Get a hug
Slowness
Comfort
Anger Heart racing Validation Defend the boundary
Feeling hot/flushed A boundary
Tension in the body
Parents can use this information to help their child. For example:
Knowing what each of the emotions “looks like” will help parents identify which emotion their child is experiencing more
easily.
Knowing the label for each emotion will help parents teach their child how to put into words what they are experiencing. The label will eventually help their child to recognize the experience within their own body. When an emotion is labeled, it helps to regulate the experience.
Emotion Coaching
Parents/caregivers have a tremendous opportunity to influence their loved one’s emotional development, regardless of age. Specifically, parents can “coach” their loved one to become aware of their emotions and associated needs, as well as to regulate their upset feelings more easily. A wealth of research has shown that children of parents who take on the role of “emotion coach” function much better in a number of areas, including academic performance, social skills and physical & mental health. These children also experience fewer “negative” emotions overall, and develop the ability to become more independent. Emotion coaching is especially important if your child is a “super-feeler”.
Steps of Emotion
The brief model of emotion coaching involves a focus on Step 1) validation, and 2) Support (emotion and practical). Some caregivers have shared that they appreciate the brief version, especially in the early days when they are trying to become more comfortable with this new style of communication.
Step 1. Learning to Validate
The first skill of emotion coaching is to validate your loved one. You can do so by transforming “BUT to BECAUSE”. For example, when your loved one tells you they feel sad about missing out on a family event, rather than leading with a typical response like:
“I can understand why you might feel sad but there’s always next time”
You would first imagine why it would make sense for her to feel sad and then convey your understanding using the word “because” like:
“I can understand why you might feel sad because you know you’re going to miss out on the fun”
Validating your loved one’s emotional experience – even if you don’t personally agree – will have a calming effect for your loved one. In fact, validation is most effective when it involves at least three “becauses”. For example… “I can understand why you might feel sad because you know you’re going to miss out on the fun; and because you were really looking forward to this; and because you don’t know when you’ll have another opportunity”. You don’t need to use the word “because” each time, but it can help you to structure your validation until doing so becomes more natural.
If you want to increase the effectiveness of the skill of validation, when you communicate your statement using three “becauses”, match your loved one’s tone and volume. For example, if they are feeling blue, say it low and slow. If they are feeling angry, say it with energy (but not anger). Doing so will quite literally calm the emotional circuits in their brain.
Step 2a: Support – Meet the Emotional Need
Once the other feels validated, you can then offer emotional support. Every emotion has a specific emotional need. If your loved one is sad, offer them comfort (e.g., a hug). If they feel angry, help them to communicate what it is they need (e.g., space, a boundary, to feel heard). If they feel shame or anxiety, you can now offer reassurance and practical support. That being said, our society is deeply conditioned to offer reassurance when someone shares with us that they are struggling in some way. Providing reassurance WITHOUT validation is ineffective, despite how often we feel pulled to do so. That said, when preceded by deep validation, reassurance is much more likely to have the desired effect.
Step 2b: Support – Meet the Practical Need
Finally it’s time for problem-solving! When faced with an emotional challenge, most of us want to move right to “fixing it”. However, if you skip over the steps above, you are likely going to experience resistance to your efforts to solve the emotional problem. Your loved one may also get frustrated, perhaps feeling like you aren’t listening. And so the order in which you move through these steps is very important. Only after you’ve validated and offered emotional support do you then support your loved one practically.
Practical Tips
When using the steps of emotion coaching, the skill of validation is critical. It calms the brain and makes the other more open and flexible to comfort, reassurance, problem-solving – even redirection and limits. There will be times when you will notice that once you’ve deeply validated your loved one, meeting the emotional and practical need isn’t even necessary because they will feel calmer or will have figured out themselves what to do next. Be aware, however, that once you start to validate your loved one, they may initially react in the following ways:
“Why are you talking to me like that? That’s weird.”
“You can’t possibly understand.”
“I’m not sad – I’m mad!”
Do not be discouraged by these types of responses. They are normal and to be expected when you initiate a new style of communication, especially if there is a history of strain in the relationship. In these instances, simply start over with validating anew. We call it “validation whack-a-mole” and it’s actually a great sign that your loved one is feeling heard and is willing to share with you more than what was initially on the surface. Keep using the validation script and be sure to communicate three “becauses” each time and the emotional storm will soon pass.
Shortcuts to Validation
Here are some helpful phrases to get you started. Communicating with your loved one may feel unnatural at first, but it is like exercising a new muscle and it will get easier with time.
I get why you would feel _________ because X 3
I can see how that might make you feel _________ because X 3
It makes sense that you’re feeling _________ because X 3
I can only imagine how difficult this must be because… because X 3
No wonder you’re _________ because X 3
I can understand why you might feel _________ because X 3
“This is so ______________” because X 3
Click here for a hand-out outlining the steps above.